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Shhh...I'm Sitting With My Grief Right Now.

Updated: Feb 18, 2020

You may have noticed that I spent January/early February pretty much off the grid. I'm not sure if it was the weather, or the fact that the holidays were over, but most of my time was spent in bed, which has surprisingly become my happy place (next to Starbucks and Target). The first two months of the year have been filled with so much death, from parents of friends to cultural icons (that's a post for a different day). While I found myself offering comfort to others who have experienced the loss of a parent, it was also important to check in with my own feelings. Throughout the last 15 months, I've learned that there is no shortcut when it comes to grief. In order to get to a place of healing, you have to go through it...and that includes sitting with your grief.

During those moments of overwhelming sadness or anxiety, I typically rip the band-aid off and express exactly what I'm thinking: "She's not here and I hate this!" "It's not fair!" "I'm too young to lose a parent!" "I'm so tired of feeling this way!" And can I just be honest? On more than one occasion, I've compiled a mental list of people who I felt should've left the earth long before my mom did. I'm a monster. After I've been very honest with myself, I create a space for my grief. Because the reality is that I will grieve this loss for the rest of my life...whether it empowers or debilitates me is up to, well, me.

I've learned that the one of the best things you can do for yourself is absolutely nothing. It has actually become one of my favorite things to do. Grief is hard work- emotionally and physically, and it creeps up on you.

While the planner/organizer in me would love to schedule my mental breakdowns on my iPhone, I know that it just doesn't work that way.

I'm a firm believer in taking a time-out whenever necessary in order to identify and process whatever it is that I'm feeling at that moment. The bad news is that sometimes I may not make every social outing. The good news is that I don't feel guilty for it.

I'm figuring out how to navigate life after loss, and that requires daily work...

so it looks like grief and I are gonna be hanging out quite a bit.

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That part about compiling a mental list of people gave me chills. I remember doing the same after my grandmother passed away. It’s been a little over 30 years and honestly, that list still pops up in my head, but not as much. I still miss that lady a great deal! Thank you for sharing and being so open and honest about your process with grieving and healing ❤️

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