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It's Happening.

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a planner. I plot things out in great detail. Color-coded calendars, all of that. I make lists for my lists. What I've come to realize in this journey of grief is that there are certain things that cannot be planned; no matter how much you attempt to "get in front of it", certain things come in waves and pull you under. Today, it happened to me.

I woke up this morning, knowing that today the first day of November. In exactly two weeks, I will have been without my mom for an entire year...up until then, we'd never gone more than maybe a day without talking to each other. I believe that my body knew what month it was before my brain did, which is probably why I feel like I've been hit by a truck. This months also brings my favorite holiday and my 39th birthday. I'm going to try my best not to sleep through both of them...not really looking forward to either. What I've noticed is that while I've been doing the necessary heart work for all these months, I've underestimated the power of anniversaries (I've gotta find another word for that...anniversaries are celebratory). On those dates, you are forced to replay every event leading up to the moment when your life changed forever. I'm also having to face the feelings of anger and betrayal that I experienced in the days following my mom's death and funeral, and I have to release it. Bitterness plus grief is just a heart attack waiting to happen. I honestly thought that I would coast through this month like one of those brave Lifetime Movie characters, but November has decided to kick me in my face. Today. So since it's happening, and there doesn't appear to be anything that I can do to avoid it, I will devote this month to doing the work- being kind to myself, remembering to breathe, setting realistic expectations, and most importantly, setting boundaries. I apologize in advance for the outings that I'm choosing not to attend or the texts that may go unanswered for a few days. Bed sounds a little better right now. But still call, though. Make me laugh. Send me links to mindless celebrity gossip. Yes, I know that death is awkward, but I don't need to be quarantined or avoided... I just need to work on ripping off the Band-Aid, even if the pain is unbearable.

And It HAS to happen. That's when the healing can begin.

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