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Bereaved and Quarantined

Here's my current situation: I'm sheltered in place with my family, which allows for very little time alone (except for my daily-and essential- Starbucks run). My sleep schedule is off, even with the help of prescription sleep aids, and I find myself having to take breaks from news and social media because both are filled with so much death right now. And several times a day, I go from desperately wishing that my mom was here, to being glad that she's not. Which would explain the lack of sleep. And the empty cookie packages. I would've loved to have been able to hang out with my mom for weeks at a time, binge-watching movies and ordering carryout from our favorite restaurants. The reality is that the current conditions of the world would've placed her health in jeopardy. It's very possible that she would've contracted COVID-19 or experienced other health issues during this time, causing her to be in a hospital alone. She could have died alone. And I would've been left to arrange a funeral that could only be attended via livestream.

This balancing act of sad/grateful is exhausting at times...I find myself isolating while in isolation- anything to create a space for my feelings. It's difficult to always be "on"when you're the go-to friend or family member; you feel a certain obligation to put your feelings aside in order to be present for others. The good news is that I'm getting much better at being honest about my feelings when I am asked, choosing to give real answers, no matter how awkward it may be: "This morning was rough, but I'm a little better right now." "It's a good day. I'm chillin'." "I'm cranky. Don't send me funny memes." "I'm cranky. Make me laugh!" "I'm on the verge of spinning out. Going for a drive, don't follow me." "I'm sad, but I don't feel like talking about it."

"I'm sad and I wanna talk about it." "Not feeling it. Going to bed for two days. TTYL." Honestly, I'm doing the best that I can at this moment. I've never experienced the loss of a parent until now, and I've never experienced a pandemic...hopefully I have what it takes to make it through both

Side note: If you have any remedies for sleeplessness, I'm all ears!

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